"You aren't really a parent until you've had your second child."

What he meant by this statement was until that second child enters the picture and you experience siblings fighting, you haven't experienced one of the most difficult aspects involved in parenting.

                                    "Mom, Scott hit me!"

"Dad, Tyler won't let me use the crayons!"

Solutions to Sibling Rivalries for Parents

There are times when parenting can be the most rewarding job ever created.  Then there are times when you seriously wonder if you are cut out for this role.  One issue that can make parenting extremely difficult is sibling rivalry.  Where does it say that brothers and sisters must fight, and they must fight when you are tired and worn out?  

Although it may appear that no end is sight, there are several solutions to this problem which are not difficult to follow.  The key to all of these, as with just about any parenting strategy, is consistency.  Whatever method you choose to use to combat sibling rivalry, remember to be consistent with it.  Only with consistency will any of these strategies bring about success.

Teach Fighting Fair Strategies

1.  Have each child describe the situation, asking them to use a calm voice.  Then you describe what you see the situation to be and have both children tell you if they think you are right.

2.  Separate the children and ask each one to spend this time alone to figure out what solution could be used that will satisfy both of their wants (a Great Idea).

3.  After the "cooling" down period ask each child separately to tell you their solution.  Help them to see if there are changes they should make to the solution in order to make sure it is fair to both children.

4.  Bring both siblings together and have each one calmly tell their solution.  Allow each child to agree or disagree or provide suggestions to the given solutions.  At all time remind the children they must listen quietly and talk respectfully to each other.

5.  Once both children have agreed to the solution tell them they have created a "Great Idea."  This will be helpful in the future when you need to ask the children to "come up with a great idea to this situation."

The ultimate goal of any conflict resolution strategy is to have those involved learn how to make it an integral part of their daily social skills.  This strategy allows children to learn to treat each other with respect, to take a "time-out" from the situation, and to realize they have the ability to solve the problem.  

Understand Why Siblings Fight
1. Basic needs - First determine if there are some basic needs your kids need without them even realizing it.  Are they hungry, tired and perhaps just bored?  It may be that they just need a snack, some rest time or even something more interesting to do.  When you can figure out when these "moments" occur you may begin to predict them and find ways to prevent them (i.e. storing snacks in the vehicles, 

2.  Attention - This may not make sense but children will argue or bicker to get your attention.  You may be thinking, "You gotta be kidding, all I will do is yell at them."  Nevertheless, it is kid logic here and it is what they do.  Want to know if your kids are using this tactic (whether they realize it or not)?  The best way to find out is to consciously spend 15 - 20 minutes with each child one-to-one per day.  If you suddenly notice less whining and aggression toward each other, you know you've found your answer.  One-to-one can include reading to them, going for a walk, playing a game or simply involving them in your everyday routine.

3.  Companionship - as goofy as this may sound some kids resort to starting an argument with their sibling in order to get them to play with them.  The best solution to this is to provide your children with the right words and behaviors (social skills) to ask others to either help or participate in an activity with them.  "Would you like to play with me?"  or  "Can we take turns?"  may seem like common sense comments to us but sometimes we forget our kids learn from example and if we are not modeling these behaviors then we must teach them.

4.  Power - It is second nature to want to be in control and for children it is difficult to determine what they can control unless they experiment.  This experimenting often leads to "pushing the limits."  If parents are consistent and teach their children how to perform desired behaviors, children will not be confused about set limits.  Children can feel empowered simply by possessing the knowledge of what their limits are, leading to them controlling when to stop their inappropriate behavior.

Competition between siblings can sometimes occur by accident, all kids can tell what they do well and what they do not do so well.  This can make children insecure, it is important to help children  learn the limits of competition, as well as, how to handle competition in order for them to feel secure.  

Prevention Is The Key

Don't Take Sides in Sibling Fights
It is difficult to stand by and listen to your kids fight, even more difficult to not get involved.  If you find yourself to the point where you just can't stand it, "get out" and go to a part of the house where you cannot hear them.  If the argument comes to a point where you feel you must step in be certain not to take either side of the argument, even if you are sure you know who started and why.  Punishing the one who started the fight only stops the fighting temporarily and does not teach the children any lesson about avoiding future arguments.  Here is an example:

Avoid Making Comparisons
Although we think we are simply providing an example of the right behavior when we compare siblings what really happens is that we degrade our children, which could lead to lower self-esteem and depression in our children.  Here are a few examples: